Ah yes, the holiday season.
Brisk snowfalls that make you want to snuggle up by the fire.
Joyful music on the radio.
Much need breaks from school or work.
Time spent with family.
Oh yes, time spent with family.
Over the recent years the holidays in our house have gotten smaller and smaller, and it aches my soul. I have an extremely large family on my moms side and yet the gatherings just don’t happen anymore. I have cousins and an uncle from my Dads side that I haven’t seen for years, just because circumstances make it difficult.
A time of year that used to be full of laughs and smiles has become a time of year I look forward to getting through without completely breaking down.
There are empty seats of which just a few years before had been filled with family. Laughing children and the excitement of what Christmas day will bring is something that I have lost, bringing me to grave sadness.
Please do not misunderstand. I love Christmas! The joy of celebrating our dear Saviors birth. The worship that takes place in the church Is that of which I will always find joy it. And yet I struggle to find much more beyond that.
And I have recently come to the realization that I can be okay with feel the sorrow I feel around the holiday seasons.
After recently looking back through some of my blog posts I noticed a common theme In my writing, they all have happy endings. A common closing theme of which I make clear the bright side of things.
I have realized that I tend to write strictly about the situations of which end up good for me.
The joy I had found in finding a church family of whom fully embraces me.
The comfort of learning more and more about yourself so that you can better heal from past wounds.
The overwhelming love the comes from being profoundly loved by people.
All extremely true points and all thing that I have struggled with and grown to heal more from. But all things that have led me to bigger and better realizations.
You see, I haven’t had that when it comes to the pain I find myself feeling around the holidays. I have yet to have a life-altering moment of which provides me with extreme comfort in the mist of the grieving that takes place.
I haven’t had a single Thanksgiving or Christmas, for as long as I can remember, in which I have not wept over the pain of not having beloved family members in my presence to celebrate. Whether that be circumstances have not brought us together or they have moved on from there time on earth.
I still have gratitude for the things I do have. I look forward to the presence, in our home, of the two little children who have been brought into our family. And I love deeply those of whom have joined my family in the past years. But I still weep, and I still feel pain.
And that is ok.
You see, normally I would go on to explain that in the mist of all my sorrows I have found comfort in the fact that God has brought me this road for a reason, or I would state that while this season may be hard now, it will be something I will grow to learn from. And who knows, maybe this a season will bring me an amount of joy that I have been missing for so long. But for now, I grieve.
I allow myself the space to weep as we put up my fathers favorite Christmas books.
And I will give myself time to fathom what would have been if those people hadn’t been taken from our lives.
And I will allow myself to leave it at that, I will not judge my sadness or push myself to find the joy in something that my soul is aching to weep over.